somebody snuck up and got me drunk
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
