i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
