I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
