I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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