omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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