is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
