I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
