Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
