You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
