you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
