watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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