Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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