My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
