No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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