He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
