I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
