Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
