remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
