We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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