I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
