I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
