All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
