I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
