someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
