please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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