My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
