I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
