Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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