Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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