If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
