You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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