I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
