Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
