Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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