Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
