I think i sorta joined a cult last night
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
