i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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