I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
