i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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