You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
you had me at cake vodka
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
