I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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