Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
