Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
