Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
