I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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