We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
