drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
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We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
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Another day, another engagement, another cat
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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