i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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