How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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