I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
