My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
organizing the empties. That sober.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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