party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
