You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
