You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
