I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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