Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
