If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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